The Do’s and Don’ts of Flirting While Kinky

Flirting While KinkyWe’ve all been there right? There’s this cute boy who just started in your office, or the girl who sits at your local bar on Friday nights, or that babe from the gym. You’ve exchanged furtive glances, giggled over protein shakes, and shared your mutual enthusiasm for Bioware games over shitty beers. Every night you go home alone and every night you think about the things you’d like to do if you didn’t.

The things you want to do… well, to borrow a phrase from Christian Grey and literally no actual kinkster ever, they’re a bit unconventional.

So how do you know if that new cutie is down to play the way you do without inviting her up to your penthouse for some melodramatic confessions and contract negotiations? You flirt. Specifically, you weave your kink into your flirting, just enough to hint at your tastes and see if they bite, but not so much as to make anyone uncomfortable.

DON’T Violate Consent

One of the most common complaints I hear about flirty kinksters are the overeager fetishists. The ones who will call you mistress in the first message, or start barking orders insisting that you call them Master Darkstar or whatever their fetlife handle is. The thing is, if I didn’t consent to be in a scene with you, don’t act like we are. Being dominant doesn’t make you my dominant, even if I am wearing a collar, and just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean I’m interested in having you serve me.

DO Drop Playful Hints

That said, as a person who is often looking for other people into power exchange it can be useful to find a way to communicate early on that that’s my cup of tea, and what side of the coin I’m interested in playing that day. How do you communicate that you might want to be dominant in the bedroom without being domineering outside of it?

My go to for this is to use humor, and to imply that the other person is being deliberately dominant or obedient and I’m just playing along. A puckish “Yes, Sir?” or “Is that an order?” in response to a suggestion can inject a taste of kink without crossing the line into a scene. And we all know the power of a well placed “good girl”.

The trick here is to say these things with a coy smile and a light tone, it’s a joke, but with that glimmer in your eye that says may mean something more. Without the joking smile this can quickly read as you engaging in a dynamic they didn’t consent to, which can get real creepy, real fast.

DON’T Skip Straight to Dirty Talk

I see it all the time on dating apps, someone see’s my paddles in the background of one of the pictures and suddenly they’re asking me if I like to beat naughty boys asses red, or they see my collar and tell me I should kneel for them since I’m such a dirty slut. Now, while both of those are true, I see no perks in being used as fap fodder for a stranger and am rarely wooed by porny prose right off the bat. In fact, nothing turns me off faster.

DO Discuss Your Shared Kinks

Here’s the thing, experienced kinksters know how to talk about kink, even their own kinks, without having it be *~sexy~*. For many their kink is as much an intellectual pursuit as it is a physical one. Practice talking about kink like you would your food preferences. “Oh! I love thuddy impact! I have this killer leather bat that is great for that!” or “Huh, I’ve never tried watersports, what is it about it that turns you on?”. There’s a distinct difference between that and “Oh you like being pissed on? Aren’t you just a filthy little slut.”

It’s okay to be turned on, I get a little bit of a thrill every time someone cute rattles off their favorite kinks and they align with mine, but you want to take your time before you start using language that is indistinguishable from the language you’d use while sexting. When you do want to step it up, start slow. Float out something slightly sexy, “You like pet play? Bet you look real cute in a collar” or “You know, I’ve always wanted to try a BJ scene where a dominant has a wand on my clit the whole time…” and see how they respond. If they build on it, then you’re off to the proverbial races, but if they give only a few word answers or don’t contribute a sexy thought of their on then it’s better to take it a step back.

DON’T Interrogate Them About Their Interests

The fact of the matter is that for some people, kink is a very private thing. People still face stigma for their sexual preferences every day, and for many it can be a scary thing to share. As with anything, if you want someone to feel comfortable being vulnerable with you, you have to be vulnerable with them.

DO Share Your Own Preferences

Now, you don’t have to keep copies of your Yes/No/Maybe list in your back pocket to hand out to every cutie you meet, but casually weaving a mention of your kinks into conversation can let them know it’s safe to convey the same. Personally, I like to do this like I do many things, with a joke. This lends a bit of levity and ambiguity to the comment that takes some of the pressure off.

Things like “Ugh, I’m so sore from the gym yesterday, but I guess pain isn’t always a bad thing amiright?” or “Tell them I can’t talk, I’m a little tied up at the moment, or at least I wish I was…” can be written off as clever wordplay, but they also put the idea of kink in the other person’s mind, and will have them thinking about it later.

DON’T Fetishize People

Have a thing for trans folx? Asian women? Black men? Great, but keep it to yourself. The fact of the matter is, people in marginalized groups specifically have a lot of sexual stereotypes that they have to combat every day, so just, don’t be that guy. Think about what you find attractive about your newest pursuit, if your first answer is some trait they can’t control (their race, gender, ability, etc) instead of a conscious trait (their sense of style, their wit, their hair) that’s not a great sign. Are you able to replace this person with any other person with that same trait and still be just as happy? Then there’s a major problem, because you’re just checking something off a list instead of having an experiences with another person and that’s gross.

DO Treat People As People

Unless they ask you otherwise…

Seriously though, it’s so easy to find someone that can offer you a new kink experience, or who looks a certain way, or who seems just so open minded that you cast them as your personal fantasy fulfillment machine, forgetting that they’re a human being with just as complex emotions as your own. Don’t. It’s a simple rule, but one that is overlooked far too often.

This post was written in collaboration with Badults, as always, all writing is my own.

About Bex

Bex talks about sex, a lot, and feels this is the only way to reduce the stigma and lack of education surrounding it. When they're not trying to save the world, talking about sex to strangers, typing frantically, or sticking things in various holes they are usually indulging the other facets of their geekery.