I Won’t Be Answering Your Message

Grumpy TinderDear Sir/Madame/Majestic Space Creature/Ethereal Fae,

I regret to inform you that I will not be answering the message received in my dating inbox on ______.

I am a very busy person, which is the reason I am on this dating app in the first place; and as you might imagine, I receive quite a number of messages. I’m very cute. Due to the high volume of contact, I just don’t have time to answer everything in my dating inbox, the same way I don’t have time to answer every Saudi prince who wants to offer me a large inheritance in my Gmail inbox.

I understand you must be very disappointed, but I must assure you that contrary to what you may have heard, I am nowhere near as charming as you have been lead to believe. I am also a terrible kisser.

While I’m sure your message was meticulously constructed and lovely to read, all messages are filtered through a rigorous and highly scientific vetting process. I regret to inform you that yours did not make the cut because…

You Clearly Know Nothing About Me.

Unfortunately, your message was more generic than dollar store soup and there was absolutely nothing in it to indicate that you haven’t sent the exact same thing to every other human on this site. I promise you, my profile has more interesting things on it than my nipples, though I understand they can be very distracting. Even if you did only look at my pictures, which was your favorite? Is there anything I wrote that you’re curious about? Trust me, I put some very intriguing stuff in there. I even made it easy, I put a question! Answer it!

Your Message Was Nothing More Than A Digital Catcall.

Surprisingly, “Hey Sexy”, “Hey bb”, and even “TITTIES” are not actually great conversation starters. If it’s something you can imagine a crowd of construction workers yelling it at a woman it’s probably not something I am going to respond well to. While I’m not opposed to you expressing your attraction to me, I am going to potentially make out with you one day, it shouldn’t feel like a drive-by objectification.

Furthermore, although catcallers are constrained by necessary brevity, adding length does not make your message more appealing. Telling me you want to “bend [me] over and fill [my] ass with [your] thick rod, till it’s dripping with cum” does not actually benefit from the added detail.

You Might As Well Be From Narnia.

If I look at your profile and couldn’t tell you where on a map your town is located, why are you messaging me? If you are states, time zones, or oceans away I don’t have the time to talk to you. I already have a huge online community and access to as many long distance connections as I want. That’s what Twitter is for. The two most important people in my life are long distance. I’m here to find a person whose bits I can put in my mouth in the near future, and you are not that person.

We’re Fundamentally Incompatible.

You must have overlooked the part of my profile that says I am not [monogamous/straight/vanilla/a girl/looking for something serious], but I can assure you it’s on there. This is why I’m surprised to see you, a [monogamous person/straight/vanilla person/person looking for a girl/person looking for something serious], messaging me. Sites like Fetlife for when I’m feeling kinky, or SwingTowns when I want to find non-monogamous folx, can be helpful in weeding people like you out, but occasionally I wander back to more mainstream sites and you’re always here. I regret to inform you that you are not the exception to the rule.

I Have Nothing to Say

You seem lovely, honestly, but you’ve kind of backed me into a corner here. Your profile is as bland as store bought salsa, and your message gave me nothing to work with. In the future, consider putting a few hints in your profile of things I can ask about, or better yet, ask me a question. Had you only made it a little bit easier, I would have taken the time to respond, but now you’re already too much work.

I’m Just Not That Into You

Sorry. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Despite your intentions, messaging me the following six times after I ignored the first did not improve your chances, nor will getting angry in response to this. I wish you a good day and better luck in future online dating endeavors.

With love and dildos,

Bex

This post was generously sponsored by the folks at SwingTowns, but as always, all thoughts, opinions, and hilarity are my own.

About Bex

Bex talks about sex, a lot, and feels this is the only way to reduce the stigma and lack of education surrounding it. When they're not trying to save the world, talking about sex to strangers, typing frantically, or sticking things in various holes they are usually indulging the other facets of their geekery.