Dream me is an idiot.
And let me be clear, I wasn’t dreaming about the Maia Wand because I was overcome with excitement to try it, in fact, it was quite the opposite. I was dreading wasting a perfectly good masturbation session on this thing.
Like many of us, my mental health has been a roller coaster since November and for the first time in my life I’ve seen my sex drive impacted by my mental health struggles. Sex is just… not on my mind anymore. Add to that my mounting discomfort with my body and my gender and, well, my pants barely come off lately, so the last thing I wanted to do was waste a perfectly good opportunity to get off.
And here’s the thing, I knew it was going to be a waste. Even in my hands I could feel that the design was lackluster, and the vibrations were a disappointment. All of the hallmarks of a wand vibrator were missing- the signature rumble replaced by a buzz more suited for a PicoBong slimline and the petite frame lacked even a broad head to grind against.
In use the toy feels reminiscent of the Lelo Gigi 2, the buzzy vibrations hover so much on the surface of my skin that they make building towards orgasm feel like an itch that I am desperate to scratch, instead of the roller coaster-like buildup I am so used to. Orgasm isn’t the reward at the end of a fun journey anymore, it’s something I desperately need to achieve to treat the growing discomfort in the tip of my clit.
It wasn’t completely hopeless, I did finally have an orgasm, after my brain produced a hilarious, and strangely effective fantasy, all on it’s own.
(If this were cheesy sitcom, this is the part where the room would fill with smoke and get all dreamy.)
My Sir is sitting in a big comfy chair, he glances up from the book he is reading to see me laying on the floor at his feet, where any good pup belongs. I have this purple monstrosity pushed against my clit, just as I was instructed, and whimper as I grind on it, desperate to eek out as much sensation as I can from this thing.
“Really? That’s going to make you come?” He says incredulously. He can’t be bothered to be turned on, he hadn’t even expected this to draw his attention away from his reading, but he’s amazed nonetheless.
“This toy is trash, are you really such a slut that this is gonna you off? I thought you were supposed to have standards. Are you that eager to come?” He shakes his head.
“Too bad I won’t let you…” He adds offhandedly as he returns to his book.
Well, at least I learned sex toy shaming is my kink?
Now, the part that’s supposed to make the Maia Wand stand out, the bit that makes it unique, is that it has not only one unimpressive motor, but two! The tip of the handle has a motor that can be controlled separately and can be used for more pinpoint stimulation or internally.
I’ll be honest, I don’t hate this idea. I think sex bloggers have a hard time remembering that not everyone has collections as large as ours, and for people looking to get their one and only sex toy I like to suggest something with options. Unfortunately, the options this toy offers are (1) uninspired mediocre wand or (2) why on gods green earth does this even exist?
I honestly cannot distinguish between when the second motor is on, and when I am just feeling the residual vibrations from the primary motor being on. I actually tested this, it is truly absurd. I’d be pissed if I found a motor like this in a $10 bullet.
Oh, and on top of all of that, the gaudy metal plate on the back of the toy fell off after only one use. Not just “oh, this is a little loose…” just plop right onto my desk when I tried to pick it up. So, ya know, at least I don’t have to use it again?
I don’t like writing negative reviews, I really don’t, but there was just zero redeemable qualities about the Maia Wand. Please. Please don’t buy it. I care about your bits and future orgasms.
If you want a great wand get the Magic Wand Rechargable, if you want a petite powerful waterproof wand, go for the Iconic Wand. For a great multipurpose vibe that you can use internally and externally, get a Prism V. If you want something from Maia, get one of their affordable silicone dildos– they have a suction cup and the silicone is buttery smooth!
Many thanks to Maia for sponsoring this review!