Bex Talks Sex Starting the Conversation
Sex Down South isn’t a kink event per-say, and yet at times, this year’s felt like an entire event dedicated to my submission. I was a demo bottom, learned skills and theories that seemed perfectly tailored to my brand of submission, swapped tips with a submissive friend of mine, and spent so much time talking with my Sir that it almost felt like he was there.
It all started with a 3 hour bus ride to Philly (which I almost missed because I decided making out with someone was more important than leaving on time #OnBrand) followed by more than 13 hours in a car on the drive down to Atlanta. Normally that much driving would be enough to drive me up a wall, but armed with an extensive library of pop punk,1 a buffet of snacks, and enough stories about kink, relationships, and really great sex to last the entire journey, the drive down was surprisingly enjoyable. Plus I got to spend it with Becca, which is always utterly fantastic.
Both Becca and I are submissive in long distance D/s dynamics, and neither of our toppy humans were going to be at the con, so it wasn’t long before we were acting like children allowed to travel without their adults. I mean, they let me pack 2lbs of animal crackers, a tub of frosting, and 36 pudding cups as our snacks for the weekend, so clearly I can’t be trusted.2 Responsibility aside though, I didn’t realize how valuable it would be to spend time with someone in a similar dynamic to me.
I have community that is kinky, I have access to all kinds of educational materials, and theories and writings on kink, but it wasn’t until this weekend that I realized how little time I’ve spent actually sitting down and talking with people in a similar sort of dynamic to the one I have, and how valuable that time would be. Sure we were able to skill share and trade tangible ideas and tricks, but it was also really helpful to connect with someone over the little things that make distance hard. Day to day stuff like helping each other remember tasks we had been assigned, or seeing Becca Skype with their Daddy while cuddling the shirt he gave them, or not feeling rude when I pulled out my phone to text my sir, just because I missed him. Again.
It helped to really normalize everything for me. It helped to solidify my feeling that my dynamic is an Actual Thing even though I rarely get to see my Sir, which in turn made me so much more comfortable negotiating parts of my dynamic with him.
As content as Becca and I were to hang out in our hotel room with our impressive supply of snacks and a steady stream of cartoons on the tv, our dom-types had other ideas, and both made sure to give us tasks that required us to be out of the room and a part of the con. My sir knows that I love meeting and seeing new people, but my social anxiety can make that hard, so he gave me a reason to talk to people. The second day of the con I needed to talk to fifteen new or scary people3 and send selfies with them. During the party on the last night I needed to have five significant conversations, or dance with six different people. Not only did the goals keep me motivated, and out of the room, but they gave me fantastic conversation starters. More than once I found myself explaining my task to one person, and two or three others would overhear and lean into the circle.
“Hi!” They’d say excitedly, offering their hand and their name. “Now you’ve met me, what number am I?”
Sometimes, my sir has some really good ideas.
He’s not the only place good ideas came from though, and I can’t believe I’m over 800 words into this and haven’t even touched on the amazing workshops. You can follow the #SDS16 tag for live tweeting on all of the sessions, and you’ll see I had a lot to say, but nearly every session I went to was amazing and thought provoking and informative.
Thursday was my strap-on day, I attended back to back workshops on strap on sex with Sinclair Sexsmith and Andre Shakti, because really any excuse to talk about strap ons with clever, gorgeous humans like them is one I’m not going to pass up. Sinclair focused more on the psychological side of things, and how to feel confident with your strap on cock, while Andre covered the logistics, including a whole portion on positions that I found really helpful (and not just because I demo bottomed for it).
Friday opened with Becca’s class on the idea of the Megasexual, a person who needs good sex to build a good connection. The class took an unexpected turn when one attendee mentioned that they’ve been accused of not being inclusive enough in their sexual practices, implying that, as a slut, they should be sleeping with all types of people. This spurned a fascinating, thought provoking, and very heavy conversation on the politics of our attractions and the line between a preference and fetishizing or being prejudiced against a group of people.
After that it was time to be LIT ON FUCKING FIRE at the Fire Play workshop with Orpheus Black. I swear to you, when they mentioned that they needed a demo bottom I think I almost jumped over three rows of chairs to volunteer. Fire Play has been something I’ve wanted to try for a very long time, so the chance to have one of the experts in the scene do it was not one I was going to pass up.
Didn't get a video of myself, but here's @BexTalksSex getting some fire play by @Orpheus_Black. Such a beautiful and sensual thing! #sds16 pic.twitter.com/YkhGeGLGrM
— Assana Rae Halder (@sacredandsexy) October 14, 2016
No matter how many times Orpheus checked in with me during the demo, I couldn’t figure out a way to describe what I was feeling other than “really fucking cool”, and I still can’t. The heat felt, at it’s most intense, like a hot shower and barely ever hurt, only when he went over areas that were already sensitive from repeated passes did the sensation start to tip over into pain. I was too distracted by the room full of people watching me to really get into a scene, but I can absolutely see it being something I’d enjoy again, and I can tell that in a proper scene it’d be a particularly quick trip to subspace. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Saturday surprised me with a workshop so good that I actually stopped sexting to attend. When I decided to go to Lovingly Objectified: Advanced Dirty Talk Techniques with Dr. Ruthie I didn’t expect to learn anything particularly new or exciting, I’m a huge fan of dirty talk so I’m more than a little familiar with the typical dirty talk workshop. What I would have known if I had actually read the description instead of just showing up like an asshole, is that this class was on a very specific type of dirty talk- objectification that is not humiliating, the kind that builds you up while reminding you that you are still just a piece of property. You know, my exact fucking kink. Seriously y’all, this workshop blew. My. MIND. I just want to sit down with Dr. Ruthie and talk about this with them forever because it’s just so perfect and fascinating.
That right there, that’s how you know it’s a good con, because nearly every conversation I had spawned four more. Even with my laptop glued firmly to my lap I couldn’t take notes fast enough while I tried desperately to commit every word to memory. It’s events like this that keep me coming back to these cons every year, and it’s why I’ve already started saving for next year.
- Is it too cheesy to say we were fueled by Fueled By Ramen? Am I gonna do it anyway? #SorryNotSorry [↩]
- They was much more responsible and also included vegetables and oatmeal so we didn’t, like, die… [↩]
- Rad humans like Sinclair Sexsmith or Andre Shakti or Sunny Megatron aren’t exactly new to me, but they’re Big Deal’s so they make me anxious enough to count. [↩]
- For more information check out WOCSHN which has written and spoken extensively on this issue. [↩]