Twelve Things I Learned At #SFS17 (While I Wasn’t In Workshops)

If you’re even tangentially a part of the sex positive community you’ve seen a lot of talk of the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit lately, or #SFS17 as it’s known on Twitter. For those not in the know, Woodhull is a sexuality and activism conference in DC that has become one of the foremost gatherings for queer and sex positive folx over the last few years. I’ve been attending the summit for the last four years1 and every year has been an entirely different experience for me.

This year turned out to be the year I spent surprisingly little time at sessions and events. Part of that was because I was spending time with my Sir for the first time since January, part of it was the fact that the sessions held considerably less interest to me than in years past, and part of it was simply the layout of the hotel. After a few days, I realized that events and people were more scattered about this year than they were at the old venue, which meant it wasn’t as easy to float from dancing to the cigar bar or from the blogger lounge to a hallway full of attendees.

Interestingly though, despite my lack of involvement in the con events this time around, I still left Woodhull the way I always do- my brain buzzing with inspiration and the motivation to make it happen.

1. I Learned That This Year I Needed Some Aggressive Self Care.

This has been an idea that’s been on my mind since reading an article a few weeks ago on this very topic, and it turns out Woodhull was the place to put it to work. I struggle with almost as much FOMO when I’m at events like this as I do when I’m home. How do I know which workshop to attend? Which party to go to? Who to hang out with? In the past I’ve tried to conquer this indecision by simply Doing It All… and eventually crashing and burning in a fiery ball.

Instead, this year, I re-framed the way I thought about things and reminded myself that energy is an even more limited resource than time, and I need to budget it the same way I meticulously budget my time. If I was taking a nap in my room during sessions I wasn’t “missing out on information” I was recharging so I could feel good at events later. When I was sitting on a wall talking to my partner in the parking lot we weren’t “wasting time when we could be meeting new people” we were getting some much needed connection over a busy weekend.

2. I Learned That Tickling Can Be Surprisingly Intense.

This was the first time i considered safewording all weekend. I was face down on the bed with my Sir straddling my back, my muscles were tight from trashing around and I was barely able to breath from the giggles and screams, all I could do was wonder how on earth being tickled could wreck me so thoroughly. It wasn’t until my Sir muttered “well, I guess I have a new kink” while grabbing my ankle and reaching for the bottom of my foot that I started to reframe it as something to endure as service, the same way I do spankings, and was able to slip into subspace a little more.

“I just like seeing you in [consensual] distress.” He explained matter-of-factly when I asked him about it later. Woof.

3. I Learned That Doing Watersports is Surprisingly Chill. 

This was one of those kinks that started with me saying “I mean, it’s interesting but I’m not into it.” Spoilers: I’m into it. The warmth, the humiliation, the service, having a cock so close to my face, whatever it is, the more I talked about it the hotter it seemed, so I decided to give it a shot.

Interestingly, kneeling on the floor of the shower covered in my Sir’s piss was a surprisingly neutral experience. I figured I’d love it, or I’d be majorly squicked, but the reality was that the warmth felt nice and I was about as turned on as I normally get around my Sir’s dick (which is to say, very). The piss itself just didn’t feel all that intense one way or another.

Verdict: Great as an accessory to a scene2 but not intense enough as an activity on it’s own.

4. I Learned That The NYTC Leroy Makes An Amazing Impact Toy.

…. It was also great when my Sir DP’ed me with it.

5. I Learned That Dominant Sex Nerds Are My Favorite Kinds of Dominants. 

During the Cigar Bar I found myself at a table full of dominants, exchanging tips about cigar topping and extolling the virtues of a good service bottom. I could almost hear my Sir smirking behind me as I eagerly leaned forward, trying to absorb everything they said.

It wasn’t just hot (which it was) but it was fascinating to me to get a glimpse of kink from their perspective. Exploring my dominance is still new to me and these were all veterans in the scene, confident in their role, and it was blowing my mind to hear them talk about it (and making me want to be the best service pup in the whole wide world).

6. I Learned That I Miss My Community.

I saw so many friends and realized how little time I’ve had to nurture those relationships lately. I miss the inside jokes, the support, and the connection that comes with close friendships. I miss the way having a network of people I’m close to nourishes me.

Now that I’m back to my day to day routine, I want to prioritize building relationships and fostering the ones I have instead of letting them fall by the wayside in lieu of work.3

7. I Learned That Being in the Middle of a Threeway Makeout is Amazing.

Having my Sir grind his cock against my ass and bite my neck while I get to make out with a curvy, femme, babe? Being entirely surrounded and engulfed by hot bodies? Watching two really gorgeous people make out with each other on top of me?4 A+, 10/10, Would do again.

8. I Learned How to Use a Dam for Safer Oral Sex.

Protip: Turn your head to the side before you inhale. Like a swimmer.

9. I Learned I Absolutely Fucking Love Rimming.

This is another thing that I was like “yea, I could probably be into that…” right up until I tried it5 and was like “oh, whoops, yup, I’m super into that.”

It just feels so fucking QUEER! And butts! Butts are great y’all. Having someone’s thighs up over my shoulder and a real good butt pushing back into my face? Yea… good times.

10. I Learned That Being Fisted Feels Very Different From What I Expected.

I did the thing! I had my Sir’s fist in me! TWICE!

It’s… intense, but not quite in the way I expected. It’s not overwhelming with pleasure in the way a really direct g-spot massage is, and it’s not painful like a really heavy spanking. It’s an ordeal, like running a marathon.

When my Sir closed his fist I could feel the pressure against my g-spot in a way that I know could feel amazing but at the time was drowned out by the feeling of ZOMG THERE’S A FIST IN ME. I’m hoping that as I do it more (and oh, I plan to do it more) I’ll get more accustomed to the feeling and be able to feel more nuance to the sensations.

11. I Learned What Kind of Aftercare I Need.

I’ve done a lot of kink things, but most of my kink is platonic. Turns out my ideal aftercare involves a level of sensual touch that I don’t always engage in with my platonic friends, so I haven’t been able to finesse my process.

It’s super easy for me to be overwhelmed by sensation after an intense scene, so having my eyes closed in a dark and or quiet space and being wrapped in something warm, like a blanket (or my partner) is best. I also find it really helpful for my partner to recap the scene with me, to remind me that I did well, and talk about his favorite moments.

The fact that we had experimented with what worked best for me earlier in the weekend meant that on the last day, when I came so hard around my Sir’s fist fist that he thought he had hurt me, he knew exactly what to do. He was able to slide up to my side, put my head in his neck, wrap his arms tight around me and just hold me while my breath steadied and I stopped shaking. I wasn’t able to tell him what else I needed in that moment, so it was important that he already had the tools, before I was able to communicate them.

12. I Learned I Need To Be More Vulnerable.

I have a lot of performative vulnerability in my life. I mean, I talk about SEX on the INTERNET for god’s sake. I just told you I was fisted and pissed on and then shoved my face in someone’s ass afterwards. Here’s the thing about that though, telling you that isn’t scary. Those things are really fucking cool, I’ve been bursting at the seams to tell someone!

Vulnerability, for me, involves a little bit of fear. A little bit of “Hnggggg I don’t know how this is gonna turn out…” A little bit of risk taking. My Sir is one of the only people I am that kind of vulnerable with, and I noticed that four days into the trip I was emotionally exhausted, because I’m not used to flexing that vulnerability muscle. So, while it’s not entirely comfortable for me, it’s something I’m going to need to exercise a bit more of.

Time to read some Brené Brown I guess.

Did you go to #SFS17? What were some of your favorite takeaway’s from the event?

  1. Pshaw, I was going to Woodhull before it was cool. []
  2. Like that time my Sir said “I’ve got to pee” in a public place and then turned and privately winked at me. []
  3. #ThatNewYorkerLyfe []
  4. At one point I squealed to my partner “Is that what you look like when you make out with me??? That’s super hot!” []
  5. for the first time since 2015 []

About Bex

Bex talks about sex, a lot, and feels this is the only way to reduce the stigma and lack of education surrounding it. When they’re not trying to save the world, talking about sex to strangers, typing frantically, or sticking things in various holes they are usually indulging the other facets of their geekery.

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