Puberty Pupdate: Psychological Changes

Nearly one year ago, on May 30th, 2017, I took my first shot of Testosterone, it was the beginning of my medical transition, though not the beginning of my complicated relationship with my gender. To celebrate my one year on HRT I’m going to be sharing a different post each week of May detailing the ways my identities, body, mental health, and sexuality have evolved over the past year, with the help of the testosterone and independent of it.

 

[CN: depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, body horror]

 

This is probably going to be the hardest post in this series to write, because it’s the first place where my changes are less than stellar. The way my brain works has changed in quite a few ways over the past year – some of those changes are absolutely the testosterone, other changes are decidedly not, and some others fall somewhere in between.

A few months back I was diagnosed Bipolar II and medicated. That was a much harder blow than I expected, I’d felt “crazy” before, in times where my mood would swing out of control, or when it just wasn’t cooperating in the way I like, but now I had a  doctor sitting across from me telling me that my brain was, in fact, decidedly different than other peoples. Just under 3% of people living in the US are living with bipolar disorder and although I wasn’t alone, and I certainly wasn’t as broken as I felt, the first few weeks were tough.

I’m still unpacking what pieces of my personality are related to the disorder, what exactly my pills are going to change about me, and how to even manage this, but what I do know is it certainly makes it extra complicated to put my finger on how testosterone has impacted my mental health.

The first week of testosterone I was on a high, I felt like I was vibrating with energy and excitement and couldn’t come down even if I tried. It was hypomania turned up to 11, and then I crashed, and I crashed hard. My lows weren’t like the lows I experienced before, and my suicidal thoughts were intense in a way they had never been up until that point. I was sad, and scared, and all that was playing in my mind was all of the horrible things I could do to myself.

Like all of my depressive episodes, I came out of it, but that voice of doubt and self hatred lingered in the shadows until my next depressive episode, where it came back just as loud,  just as all consuming, and just as violent. When I’m at my worst, nearly catatonic in bed marathoning Great British Bake Off and at peak self-loathing, my brain is treating me to a montage of body horror that would put Hellraiser to shame. I’ve had some of my lowest lows since starting testosterone, and there have been days where I’ve felt like I was genuinely fighting for my life against my own brain.

Obviously everyone’s experience is going to be different, and my own experience can’t be isolated from the countless other things going on in my life over the past year, but I know that at least some of this is related to the T. I don’t any of this to scare you, but rather to offer context if the same thing happens to you. It’s scary but sometimes the greatest comfort for me is knowing where it comes from and that it will pass.

That said, testosterone has done countless good things for me too. I feel confident in ways that I never had before, and I have the energy to do the things I want to do. I crave connection and I have the drive to maintain relationships that had once fallen to the wayside. When my body was estrogen dominant, I was a ball of anxiety at the thought of socializing, and although I’m still and introvert,  and still occasionally anxious, the thought of spending time with people I care about is exciting rather than terrifying. Some of that, I’m sure, is related to feeling more comfortable in my body, but some of it is certainly the T as well, giving me the energy to do the things that scare me.

Testosterone is also know for exacerbating anger, and although I do have the occasional bout of rage, it didn’t feel new, it felt very similar to PMS symptoms, something I was no stranger to. In the moment, I’m able to recognize that my anger is valid, it’s just maybe slightly disproportionate to the incident. What I experience a lot more of though is a lowered tolerance for bullshit. I was very passive pre-testosterone and rarely spoke up for myself, now I feel stronger and more confident in asserting what I need.

I know it sounds like testosterone damaged my mental health, but I think it just changed how symptoms that were already there were manifesting. The depression happened before, as did the self loathing, it was just considerably less violent. The confidence and strength it gave me was incredibly valuable though. A few months on the testosterone and I felt like the kind of person I always wanted to be. Like my body was aching for the hormone before I even knew it was an option, like it was more than just the key to changing my body into the form I wanted, but the key to bringing my mind more in alignment with the person I want to be as well. Sure, that comes with a bit of a price, but without a doubt, for me, it is a price worth paying.